Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Girls vs Boys

Just like every other woman on the planet, I talk about men a lot. And just like every other woman on the planet, I am convinced that women have it tougher than men. Read on for an intimate glimpse into the world of being a woman:

Women can multi-task. Now, that sounds like a good thing, right? But hold yer horses just one cotton-pickin' minute. Once you make the mistake of multi-tasking in the presence of others, showing off your prowess for accomplishing the unimaginable, it becomes an expectation. Before you know it, you are quizzing the 7th grader on algebra facts while stirring a pot of chili while nursing a newborn while talking to your sister on the phone. (Yes, this occurred in my very own kitchen in 1997).

Women seem to peak physically at around 18 years of age. That is when most of us were at our most beautiful. Smooth forehead, perky breasts, lean legs, flat tummy, a waistline... Unfortunately there are many, many years of past-your-peak to follow. I call it "the decline." Most men don't reach their physical peak until later, about the time when women are losing their flat abs to childbirth. In other words, we get out of sync. And we stay that way. Forever.

When dieting, men lose weight more quickly than women. When working out, men see results more quickly, too. And if they hit the gym before work, it takes much less time to get it together before heading to the office (refer to my routine below).

Men look just fine with gray hair. I happen to think women look fine with gray hair, too, but enough money is spent on hair products to pay off the national debt.

We fight wrinkles, too. Oh, yes, we do. And according to the beauty consultants, it takes at least six different skin care products to fight 'em. I need an entire bathroom to myself for all my products. And how come my face still breaks out? That takes more products.

Men get ready for their day by showering, shaving (maybe, if they feel like it), combing their hair (if they have enough to brush), brushing their teeth, and putting on deodorant. If they are feeling lucky, they might put on scent.

This is my routine: shower, shampoo (twice), condition (for three minutes), shave (lots of surface area to cover), file the rough skin on my feet, lotion (every inch of my body), deodorize (not just underarms), comb through blow dry spray, blow dry, flat iron, apply shine spray, pluck what needs plucking, trim what needs trimming, polish toenails, put on undergarments (bra, panties or pantyhose, any other necessary foundation garments), dress, moisturize face, neck, and decollete', curl eyelashes, apply eye shadow base, foundation, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and loose powder, pop in contact lenses, coordinate jewelry with outfit (any combination of necklace, earrings, bracelet, anklet, rings), moisturize and color lips, spray on scent, wipe off the excess after over spraying.

This is all done to compensate for "the decline."

That is before I go wake up the girls and get them ready, too. Mikel helps me a lot with this if he hasn't left for work yet (thank you, honey). While they get ready I start a load of laundry, fold whatever was left in there from the day before, sign all the papers they brought home the day before, give them lunch money, feed the pets, start the dishwasher, pack my lunch. I am only able to do any of this because Mikel hands me a perfectly blonde and sweet cup of coffee as soon as I get out of the shower. Ahh.

I won't go into physical strength, safety, and discrimination.

And apparently we have to be psychic, because sometimes our men clam up and just don't feel like telling us what is bothering them.

Men still get paid more, on the average, by the way. Argh.


Amanda said...

I have spent the past two weeks looking for the perfect underthing to wear under the perfect spaghetti -strap, low-backed black dress... all to combat "the decline." I tried on many things, with prices in the $60 range.

Women need stores full of such items, in every color there is. Men simply have to decide between boxers or briefs, and pick up a package of 3 at Walmart.

amcnew said...

Oh, yeah. I have a drawer full of foundation garments. At some point you just give in to vanity.

lsdivergal said...

And lets not forget, that our personal girly parts seem to be fitted when we hit puberty with an item location device. No, seriously, who gets asked where stuff is? WOMEN !! My roomie called the other day...and asked me where something was at the house..where I wasn't. Did I find it, of course I did. Cause I had him look where it was supposed to be!!! But that lets out our secret of how we find things that the entire rest of the world can't locate.